Funny thing happened...

...on my way to the high school and back. First, I'm assaulted by a tumbleweed the size of Texas. Thing comes barreling out of nowhere and sideswipes my car over by the fairgrounds. I make it to the school without further incident and deliver the nuclear notebook of Aaron's. I forewarned the dean's secretary that it is possibly toxic and to open it at your own risk. She passed the notebook to a student to make the delivery with the same warning. I exited the building quickly to avoid the fallout--just in case it was accidently dropped or opened. As I am making my way to my car, my stomach starts giving its rumbling warning of a Mt. Buttsuvious eruption. I had better get home quick! So much for going to Lins and other errands for the moment. As I am turning to leave the school, another car is making a turn in front of me. We drive along passing the Catholic Church when another tumbleweed decided to attack out of nowhere. I managed to squash it before it could do any damage. A piece of it is still stuck in the grill. A near miss followed this from a renegade trash bag. My stomach is really grumbling and rumbling and I feel the pressure building. This is not going to be good. The car in front of me is driving about 10 miles an hour and a Klingon Bird of Prey (aka NHP) suddenly materialize behind me. I do not know how they do it but they can appear and disappear in a blink. So of course, I was not going to pass this person at warp speed while the cop was behind me. I am really exercising some muscles now. Finally, the car in front of me slowly makes a turn leaving the way for me to accelerate to the speed of light home. First, I check to see where NHP is. Wherever they are, it is not behind me anymore. They must have engaged their cloaking device and followed the other car. Warp speed engaged! The pressure has built up so much; I did not think I was going to make it the bathroom in time. The thought crossed my mind that I might have to shampoo a car seat and throw away some favorite clothing. Once I am home, I managed to hurdle the gate, do a two-step tango with the dog, taking the stairs two at a time to the upstairs and nearest bathroom. It was t minus 1 second to blast off. Whew, I made it! But wait, there's more. The story does not end here. In my rush to make it to the toilet, I did not discern or have the time to evaluate the situation in regards to how well stocked the bathroom was with toilet paper. Yep, you guessed it. There was a major explosion and NO TOILET PAPER!! Moreover, since I am home alone and have not trained the dog to bring a roll on command, I had to figure something out. Good thing I was home alone, as I had to make my way to the downstairs bathroom, bare butt, to get toilet paper. This always happens to me. I am usually the one with my bum exposed with no toilet paper. Story of my life.